Body issues

November 3, 2016


What a huge topic. What a personal and intimate one. And I would like to share, to speak up. Because I feel that’s what I would have needed more. People I know, friends, speaking up.

Why now? Because I just spent an amazing healing weekend filled with sound and silence. I love these opportunities. I love to play and explore life with my body, to treat my body & soul, to feel, experience and grow. And this weekend, something huge happened.


For the first time in … I don’t know - ever?! - I felt that my body really communicated with me.

You know me. I see myself as a bodyworker. I connect through touch. My commitment is my (yoga) practice. “Obviously”, I thought I had a great connection to my body. I thought. 
I thought - That’s what I realized.


For the past 15 years, I let my head decide what to eat - or not to eat. Since I was 14 and wanted to loose weight, I let my brain rule what my body would receive. As I care a lot for physical and mental health, my diet was always very health oriented… -ish. It was efficient. Efficient to get many nutrients - with as few calories as possible. Efficient to keep a desired body shape - the one I was feeling proud of. Efficient to have the looks I had learned to look up to. Skinny women. …I remember the feeling of seeing bones sticking out my body. It was a feeling of success.

Of course my physical shape changed over the time. But I always had the same goal: have a wanted/hot/beautiful body. Yes, people told me to eat more. …but in the next moment, they complimented my body. How great that dress looked on me. Almost everyone I remember did so. And it strengthened me in my path to control my body shape.


Last weekend, it felt like my body talked to me: “You’re asking ME how I feel? … For 15 years you have been starving me. You let the shape of your wanted clothes decide how I need to be. I feel ignored and mistreated. I feel abandoned and abused. That’s how I feel.”


… now that is something I will have to digest over a period of time. ..But yes, my head decided how I wanted to look, and my body had to follow. At a very high price.


For the past 5 years, I basically had no period. My gynaecologist suggested me a procedure called “ovary drilling” (!! :O) … but I knew I had to change something in my lifestyle. And my body gave me very clear signs the past 2 years. I feel I am on the right path. I am learning. 
This is not a path that started on Monday. It’s been a topic for the past 15 years, and I’ve been actively trying to be healthy and heal whatever my body needs for the past 3 years.

There are countless people to thank that I got to where I am right now.

Sanghita, Camila, Frida, Elizabeth, J Sebastian, Giulia, Maja Storch (amazing books), so so so many of my yoga teachers, the amazing healers this weekend - and countless more.

The picture is a version of my body I used to adore. And still, I desire this body shape. But I understand now, that that's not how my body feels well and in celebration of life.


I write this not as a note of sadness, but celebration. This week, my body has been showing me signs of health, connectivity, fertility and love I haven't experienced in a long, long time. Thank you, crazy complex human system, thank you menstruation, thank you miracle of a body. Thank you to everyone who makes me feel loved no matter how I look.



PS: I learned over that past years that a lack of menstruation is a huge (!) problem and many women suffer from this -without daring to openly talk about this. As you can see, I am no role model, for sure. But if you want to talk - I am here & happy to listen and share presence. 

<3 Love.

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Featured Posts

The problem with processed foods

October 26, 2017

Please reload

Recent Posts

November 3, 2016

September 12, 2016

Please reload

Please reload

Search By Tags