What a huge topic. What a personal and intimate one. And I would like to share, to speak up. Because I feel that’s what I would have needed more. People I know, friends, speaking up.
Why now? Because I just spent an amazing healing weekend filled with sound and silence. I love these opportunities. I love to play and explore life with my body, to treat my body & soul, to feel, experience and grow. And this weekend, something huge happened.
For the first time in … I don’t know - ever?! - I felt that my body really communicated with me.
You know me. I see myself as a bodyworker. I connect through touch. My commitment is my (yoga) practice. “Obviously”, I thought I had a great connection to my body. I thought.
I thought - That’s what I realized.
For the past 15 years, I let my head decide what to eat - or not to eat. Since I was 14 and wanted to loose weight, I let my brain rule what my body would receive. As I care a lot for physical and mental health, my diet was always very health oriented… -ish. It was efficient. Efficient to get many nutrients - with as few calories as possible. Efficient to keep a desired body shape - the one I was feeling proud of. Efficient to have the looks I had learned to look up to. Skinny women. …I remember the feeling of seeing bones sticking out my body. It was a feeling of success.
Of course my physical shape changed over the time. But I always had the same goal: have a wanted/hot/beautiful body. Yes, people told me to eat more. …but in the next moment, they complimented my body. How great that dress looked on me. Almost everyone I remember did so. And it strengthened me in my path to control my body shape.
Last weekend, it felt like my body talked to me: “You’re asking ME how I feel? … For 15 years you have been starving me. You let the shape of your wanted clothes decide how I need to be. I feel ignored and mistreated. I feel abandoned and abused. That’s how I feel.”
… now that is something I will have to digest over a period of time. ..But yes, my head decided how I wanted to look, and my body had to follow. At a very high price.
For the past 5 years, I basically had no period. My gynaecologist suggested me a procedure called “ovary drilling” (!! :O) … but I knew I had to change something in my lifestyle. And my body gave me very clear signs the past 2 years. I feel I am on the right path. I am learning.
This is not a path that started on Monday. It’s been a topic for the past 15 years, and I’ve been actively trying to be healthy and heal whatever my body needs for the past 3 years.
There are countless people to thank that I got to where I am right now.
Sanghita, Camila, Frida, Elizabeth, J Sebastian, Giulia, Maja Storch (amazing books), so so so many of my yoga teachers, the amazing healers this weekend - and countless more.
The picture is a version of my body I used to adore. And still, I desire this body shape. But I understand now, that that's not how my body feels well and in celebration of life.
I write this not as a note of sadness, but celebration. This week, my body has been showing me signs of health, connectivity, fertility and love I haven't experienced in a long, long time. Thank you, crazy complex human system, thank you menstruation, thank you miracle of a body. Thank you to everyone who makes me feel loved no matter how I look.
PS: I learned over that past years that a lack of menstruation is a huge (!) problem and many women suffer from this -without daring to openly talk about this. As you can see, I am no role model, for sure. But if you want to talk - I am here & happy to listen and share presence.